Transfer Day Feelings

Today is transfer day! And while I am excited I’m also kind of terrified. I’ve realized that in general I’ve mostly only posted positive things on here about all of the procedures. I know I’ve expressed frustration about the IUIs not working or about insurance companies being stupid and not covering the medications they are supposed to be covering, but I’ve never really mentioned the fear that goes along with this process. And that does a disservice not only to me but to everyone who has gone through infertility, because it is hard. Every procedure I end up waiting for the pregnancy tests and terrified for what they are going to be. After so many years of negatives it can be hard to hope for a positive. And especially for this transfer. These are our last 2 embryos and I’ve had more worries for this transfer than the previous one. Part of it is the realization that until the thawing and the transfer, our embryos are safe. And I will probably worry about them until I know they thawed successfully, and then I will worry after they are transferred until we get a positive blood test. It is very nerve wracking to have zero control over how they do or if they survive when that is all I want for them. I try to be positive and not bother other people with what I see as whining, but I also don’t want anyone to think that just because someone else doesn’t hide what’s going on or the emotions they are going through that they are somehow less. Or that I want this less than someone else because I internalize my emotions. So it’s exciting, and scary, and frustrating, and I hope in the end it will all be worth it and God will finally give us the baby or babies that we so desperately want.

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